At least I can fail consistently. I haven't gotten anything done. Granted, I'm sick, but I have a paper due soon, and then I need to pay for classes, if I'm even still signed up for them, and then I need to rent my textbooks, and apply for colleges, and I'm sure I'm not going to make the deadline for some of them.
Why am I putting it all off? It's because I'm stupid and letting myself fall back into a bad place. I've felt it coming since November-Decemberish, but it's becoming pretty obvious to me now. A big part of it is my health; it kinda sucks sometimes, and that makes the future a little scary. How can I finish school like that? Forget that, how can I get a job like that? Have kids and raise them? I'm marrying someone amazing, and how can I put that on him? I'm much closer to the ball and chain metaphor than anyone else I know.
On the one hand, I keep clinging, and telling myself to get past it. And I'm happy. That's the weird part; when I sit down and think about what I have, I'm so happy. I'm not plagued by bad dreams anymore. I'm in a bit of pain, but it's nothing big. I have a fantastic family. I'm fed, sheltered, etc.
I don't know. It's this creeping sense of hopelessness that never seems to let up. I think I've been relying on Andy too much lately. I'm putting too much on him, and I can't let myself do that. It's not good for either of us. My resolution for the week is a simple one: Do for myself, spend my time here instead of at my parents', and make sure 4 hours of every day are productively spent. That's a good ramp up to school, right?
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