The thing about things....

Especially the things we can't have. I'm not quite sure why we do it; is it Satan in our hearts, whispering that we need things we don't actually need? Some holdover of days when we had to horde whatever we could get, and working for more was what set us above the rest of animals vying for the top spot in the food chain? Is it capitalist conditioning, a result of growing up in wealthy America? My sister's mother-in-law told her that she shouldn't have more kids, because of money. Even though my sister and brother-in-law have an income that is very capable of supporting the family, "your kids will see things that the other kids have and want them." It was as if the idea of not giving your children everything they want is scandalous.

This is a weird topic for me, because I always got everything I wanted as a child. Did I want to play a sport? Sure I could play that sport, no problem! Four sports a year? Of course! I wanted to learn to play an instrument, even though in the past I had never practiced anything consistently? To the music store! Even when I failed to practice but still wanted to be in the band each year, the clarinet was rented each year until we'd paid enough on it to buy it outright. Every gift I wanted for Christmas was under the tree (except for the horse, but hey, wishes aren't horses). The same thing happened with my birthday. When I was married the first time, I have no idea what the budget was, but it was definitely 5 digits. Wow. My wedding dress alone cost 1.5k with alterations and accessories.

And yet here I am. New Year's Eve, I took advantage of David Bridal's $99 dress sale to buy a real wedding dress. I mean, I liked the dress. It's pretty enough. It's simple, but whatever. I need to lose a little bit of weight or have it taken out, but it was cheap, new, and a real wedding dress, so rock on! Saturday I went dress shopping with Jessica, for her wedding. She tried on so many gorgeous dresses, and there was no way I could afford a single one of them. The quality was so much better than my dress. She finally found THE dress...the perfect one, that looks absolutely gorgeous, compliments her in all the right ways, and just screams "perfect!" Brendan is going to be floored when he sees her in that dress.

I got home, and don't think that I wasn't thrilled for her. I was entirely thrilled for her! But I felt so much despair. It's about wanting pretty things like that and not being able to afford them. Kudos to me for being responsible, but I'm still ashamed that I got so bitter. I feel awful that I made a bad choice that led to having an awesome setup with an abusive jerk, and now the price of that is there is no way to do the same with my soul mate.

The dress thing made me feel bitter, but the photography situation makes me feel way worse. We're not having a photographer. We're just asking friends and family to take pictures with their digital cameras and send them to us. It was Andy's choice and I agreed with it because it makes sense, but darn it, I want to look at beautiful photographs of our wedding. Those pictures are going to last more than a lifetime. I love looking at the photos from my Nana and Papa's wedding, done by a professional photographer. Those are family heirlooms that we lovingly keep. They open up to stories from the wedding day, and even set the stage for stories about their marriage itself. My sister and brother-in-law have their photographs up on their walls, and they're so beautiful. My sister is gorgeous, but like me, she doesn't photograph well. You would never know it from looking at these pictures. She looks amazingly beautiful. The happiness that she and Anthony had that day is perfectly captured. Every time I look at those pictures, I'm reminded of how much they loved each other that day, and how much they still love each other. I want that.

Is it shallow and vapid of me? I don't know, but probably. Beyond food, if I would put money anywhere, it would be in professional photography. That's the biggest thing we won't have at our wedding that I'm upset about, and I think the only thing. I think I'll get over the dress pretty soon, but I'm afraid every time I look at the pictures on my sister's wall, for the rest of my life, I'll be a little sad because I want that.